Considering Divorce? Answering These 5 Simple Questions May Change The Course Of Your FutureJan 06, 2019
I saw this headline on my news feed and it got me thinking!
13 people in the UK filed for divorce online on Christmas day.
Over the festive period i.e. 24 with December until the 4th January, more than 400 applied online.
Thanks to a new service apparently aimed at modernising the divorce procedures in the UK, we have this valuable data which corroborates what anyone who works relationships already knows.
Most people I mentioned this statistic to were shocked, 13 individuals took time on Christmas day to lodge their request to begin divorce proceedings.
I was shocked that the number was so low, we always see a huge rise in people seeking divorce advise, counselling and coaching in January.
Is Ending Your Marriage Just Another New Year’s Resolution
New Year, new life, new resolution and of course this comes on the back of all those unmet expectations from the holiday period.
Throw into the mix the financial strains of Christmas,
The increased amounts of time spent together as a family (tough even for the strongest of couples)
Not to mention the extended family and the usual mix of temperaments, expectations and personalities, sometimes in a confined space as families come together to celebrate.
Often parents who plan to separate decide to offer their children one last "normal" Christmas and the pressure of keeping up appearances can really take its toll.
So I'm not at all surprised that 13 such couples hit the send button on Christmas day and began to end their marriage.
I also know from my last four years of working with and talking to individuals in unhappy partnerships that for the majority separation and divorce really is the last option.
They take their vows seriously, they married for life and are devastated that their relationship has reached this point of seemingly no return.
The people I work with don't take this decision lightly, they are still looking for a miracle cure and assure me they have tried everything.
I know how sincere they are as I too felt I had tried everything, tears, manipulation, pleading, talking.... Oh so much talking.
I compromised, I changed, I withdrew, I threw myself in 100%.
I declared my love, I sometimes hated my husband. I married for life but I was miserable and couldn't see a way out.
The Beginning Of The End OR The Beginning Of A New Beginning?
I'm done I've tried everything I declared loudly in my head!
That is when it all began to change, no longer interested in convincing my partner of my needs, no longer interested in him understanding what I meant, felt or desired I set about looking inwards at myself.
What was my part in this whole big mess we called a marriage?
A Simple Solution, Though Not Always Easy.
Was it easy?
No, absolutely not, but then neither is living in conflict unable to communicate, fearful that every word will lead to yet more disconnection.
It was, however, a remarkably simple procedure and one which I now lead my clients though.
I, like most people, had stories, beliefs, low self-esteem, high levels of expectations and very limited knowledge of effective communication, self-loving, self-acceptance and how to create healthy boundaries.
In fact, I believed putting me first we wrong, selfish somehow. I also developed a very bad pattern of people pleasing. My desire to be loved and accepted created a pattern of behaviour which had exactly the opposite effect to what I hoped it would. My availability to others was seldom reciprocated, mostly because I didn't know how to accept it, and this led to resentments on my part, confusion for others and a breakdown in relationships.
This was a pattern in almost all of my relationships, way before I declared my marriage, in fact even before I met my husband.
There Is Always A Pattern.
My Solution - run for the hills.
When I was overwhelmed by friendships, romantic relationships I would leave, not always physically, sometimes I'd just withdraw and let the other party do the work. That is what kept me stuck for such a long time.
I couldn't see the pattern.
If you are about to press that button to end your marriage stop for a moment and ask yourself
1. What is my pattern?
2. What have I done?
3. What do I believe about marriage?
4. What am I expecting that I'm not doing for me?
5. What upsets me most about this current situation?
It may just save your marriage, make it stronger happier, healthier, more honest and loving.
If not at the very least it will give you a deep insight into your mind, your beliefs and where you need to focus your attention to stay empowered, and ensure that navigate the next phase with love and grace, which lets be honest is so much better for all round that giving in to fear and vitriol as so often happens.
More importantly to ensure that you learn the lessons you need so as not to take the same patterns into any future relationships.
There is a universal truth in that we will be presented with the same lesson time and again until we choose to learn the lesson, simply put if you don’t know your part in the downfall of your marriage then you will surely carry the same patterns into future relationships (and I’ve seen that time and again), so do yourself a favour before you hit send on divorce application – do the work, learn who you are, how you and your beliefs have contributed to the current hopelessness you feel in your relationship.
You never know you may just find yourself falling in love with your marriage and your partner all over again.
To book a Loved Again Strategy Call Follow the link: Loved Again Strategy Call and I look forward to mapping out your first steps.If you recognise yourself or are currently in a similar situation then download my beautiful workbook and start rewriting your relationship love story right now: Be Your Unique You – 5 Steps To True Love
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