What if being authentically you is what you’ve been striving for all your life.
Love is a state of awareness, a way of being in the world, of seeing ourselves and others.
We are perfect and lovable as we are.
Owning our hurts doesn’t make us weak - it’s where our strengths lie.
Hi, I’m Allison Reiner.
A relationship rescue Coach.
I teach sensitive, yet courageous women how to transform their relationships by working on their biggest love first. Themselves.
I’m on a mission to teach highly sensitive women who are sick and tired of being sick and tired that life doesn’t have to feel like this. Infact, it’s not meant to.
There is hope of happiness. I promise. Let’s tap into that brave soul of yours, those emotions you have and create something wonderful, the life you’ve been dreaming of.
I’ve been to hell and back running on nothing but my own self will and desperately trying to fit other people’s expectations of me.
I have also been blessed with trying the path of vulnerability and sharing myself in all my perfect imperfection with others. I found acceptance, understanding and connection, which is why I believe we are here.
This is my story.
For many years I lived by a rulebook, never took a chance and was very careful to cultivate the perfect image.
Spent my life being told to toughen up, not to be so sensitive, that I take things too personally, so I stopped, closed down all my emotions.
I was terrified of being judged and convinced the real me was unlovable, I had very little confidence and a real lack of self compassion. My biggest fear? Being Exposed!
I was confused. I knew that I was responsible for my happiness, but I didn’t know how to deal with unhappiness. The frustration, the hurt, not feeling “important” and lack of respect were all common themes in my relationships.
I buried my feelings and lived “as if….” It worked well until it didn’t…..and when it didn’t work anymore, the wheels came off as did my mask. That terrified me more than anything. I could no longer pretend. And worse, no one had any idea. NOBODY knew. I was alone, sad and very frightened.
I felt I was living a nightmare, you know those ones where you are falling and falling, or screaming and screaming and no one ever comes to rescue you – that is how my life felt – until finally it was “Bad Enough”
Why do I say that – well – because from ever I can remember I was told that I was selfish and what ever I was sad , I was told I was too sensitive, over reacting.
It wasn’t until adulthood that I realised I was HS highly sensitive, and more susceptible to feelings, emotions and discord than others. As I child I was just selfish and thoughtless. I didn’t understand why or how – but I was told regularly enough so I had no reason to doubt it. I tried though, I really tried and if anything I was self seeking, all I wanted was to be loved and accepted.
I think children take two paths, they rebel and demand to be noticed or they fall into people pleasing mode and that was my pathway of choice. I spent my childhood, teen years and into my thirties being the family problem solver, because that is what I though was required of a good daughter:
- Closing down my emotions, because nothing was ever bad enough to warrant them.
- Putting everyone else’s need before my own – of course without communicating this, so as the years passed my resentments rose.
- Inability to create friendships, well how close can you get to someone if you are unable to share yourself with them.
As lifetime of living with my own self loathing, despising who I was, my selfishness, my inability to make my mum love me no matter how hard I tried, eventually took its toll, but not until after my father died and my son was born – these two events were six weeks apart and their effects were devastating:
My father I was in no doubt loved me, accepted me and wished only the best for me, however I had had to make a choice in earlier years – Mum or Dad and I chose my mum still determined to win her love. I was devastated by his death, because he was the only person I felt loved me to my core and I had let him down, I was ripped by guilt – both to him and being feeling it at all.
Then my son came along and rocked my world – a ball of unconditional love – and I just didn’t know what to do with it, I was so unworthy of this love, but at the same time I couldn’t get enough of it.
It was such a period of sadness, confusion and love. I was depressed, I went to see a psychiatrist who told me to pull myself together, go home and be a good wife; he had no idea how much courage it took me to book that appointment – but if the experts were in agreement that there was nothing wrong with me beyond being flawed and selfish then who was I to disagree.
From that point onwards, through the birth of my daughter, and for another 4 years or so I continued to close the world out, my self loathing growing as I could see proof in every waking moment of my lack as a mother, a daughter, a wife – I truly believed I had nothing to offer them, no hope, no promise, no bright future, I had no reason to be alive – and then the fantasies started – how could I manage my death in a way that my children wouldn’t grow up scarred by my suicide? I made some half-hearted attempts, oh I don’t know how many times, driving to fast on the motorway, breaking at the last minute, walking in front of cars – of course it was a cry for help – but to whom, no matter how loud I shouted no one ever heard me. I had lived my life to a certain formula which I picked very early in life – don’t make waves, don’t complain, be grateful for what you have, it isn’t bad enough.
It was during one such attempt, I was running away from home, driving fast on the motorway that the thought struck me – you can run but you can’t hide, wherever you go you will be there.
I pulled over into the next service station and sat on the ground next to the car and cried, I’ve no idea for how long – but in that moment I finally realised that it was “bad enough” and I surrendered.
I was so lacking in self esteem that I was profoundly scared to ask for love, time, help or an ear to listen. But I knew I had to somehow reach out and ask – that one act of trust from a heart that had been lost to human connection was my saviour.
By chance (there is no coincidence in this universe) I met a woman who had a different story, but a similar outcome and she lovingly gained my trust, she encouraged to to express my feelings, to be angry, to mourn, to rage. I was terrified, sure that if I started I’d never stop, but she assured me I would and I trusted her and I continued to do so until I began to feel the rumblings of self beliefs deep inside of me.
I started to work so very hard on accepting me, knowing myself and loving myself. It was the most courageous of acts and the biggest gift I ever gave myself.
Not just myself, my children, my husband, (who bore the brunt of my self loathing and judgement, the one person I was so sure I would have to leave behind in my journey to become true to myself), I began tentative friendship, with no expectations and a whole lot of fear.
Slowly, well not so slowly actually if getting rid of the long held hurts, angers and emotions was like an erupting volcano, then my thirst to know myself, to connect with the world and to create and recreate relationships was like opening the flood gates.
The most remarkable thing happened when I took my power back and began getting to know the real me. Firstly I liked what I saw and more amazingly so did other people.
For years I had been pleading with my husband to love me, care for me, respect me and see me. I learned that when I loved myself, cared for myself, respected myself and saw myself these voids filled, that I didn’t need those things from my husband or indeed anyone.
The confidence I found in getting to know myself emanated outwards. Because I was meeting my own needs my interactions were changing, the world mirrored my new shift in perspective. And it was lovely reflection.
I know what it feels like to be desperate for love and understanding but so scared to ask for it because it goes against the carefully honed image. Blaming everyone and yet knowing deep inside the problem is yours and yours alone!
The great news is that the solution is yours and yours alone too.
It doesn’t have to be so painful, you don’t need to feel so alone, there is something that you can do to make the change.
You have the power!
Do you want to know more? Contact me here.
When I’m not coaching you can find me:
Sitting in a café setting the world to rights with my girlfriends, passing my time with the family at the beach or on the slopes following the sunshine. My idea of happiness is hanging out drinking coffee or eating pizza and discussing life, love and the universe.
Cheering on my son from the sidelines as he plays Basketball. Music and singing is a huge part of family life and quite often there is a show being organised by my daughter, tickets are always available if you pass through!
I love nothing better than a huge meal with friends. Eating drinking and enjoying the sense of togetherness. One of my favourite things about living in Italy is how people simply love to spend time together. A chance comment often leads to a full blown dinner at someone’s home, everyone bringing what they have available. It’s so free and easy, the idea is fun and sharing rather than perfect presentation.
I have a passion for learning a loathing for spiritual arrogance and a burning curiosity to understand the unexplainable.
My friends describe me as humorous, grounded and hugely courageous.